Joseph # # # # # #
Information ## ## ## August 26
Network ## ## ## 1 9 9 9
Xmit # # # # # #
NINETY FIVE WEEKS LATER...
Hello? Remember us? You ought to, but we'll forgive any blank looks this
time around. After all, it's been a year and three quarters since Jinx --
the penultimate disaster digest of humour and delight -- went completely
dormant. Ceased to exist. Vanished. Poof? Exactly.
At one point in your life, you subscribed to this so-called "Jinx". Sure,
it could have been during one of those 3am bleary-eyed rampages around the
web, leaving you with no actual memory of the deed. It also could have
been a momentary loss of common sense and/or general decency. Heck, it
could have been a vindictive relative, or, if luck and statistics are with
us, it could have been your own nefarious efforts.
Still, for better or for worse, you did subscribe. To a non-existent
digest. Congratulations! But it gets better: we're actually back, baby.
You didn't really think we'd pull the plug on ol' Jinx, now did you?
Things like that only happen to *unlucky* people...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>From Cape Times, South Africa, 6/13/96:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead
patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the
Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There
was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on
the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial
infection, failed to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these
deaths.
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward,
remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug
her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her
business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life
support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now
dead.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is
arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should
be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now closed."
By the way, the headline of the newspaper story was,
"Cleaner Polishes Off Patients."
<->-<-<->-<-<->-<-<->-<-<->-<-<->-<-<->-<-<->-<-<->
But no, my stricken friends, that wouldn't happen to us. You can't pull
the plug on a solar-powered operation, although you *can* overwhelm us with
popularity: Jinx was founded as a joke after all, we never intended to
reach countless thousands of subscribers. Quite frankly, there's only so
much you can squeeze out of Eudora Light before the universe begins to come
apart at the seams...
So we reached a point where no free software could serve the hungry hoards
(played by you), and our annual anti-sponsorship (bah to advertising!)
budget amounted to two dollars and fifty cents. Canadian. Indeed, we
would still be moping ineffectually about today if it weren't for an
emergency donation of LetterRip 3 by <http://www.fogcity.com/> -- this
mail-list software is miraculous, it's superb, it slices *and* dices, it
saved JINX's soul and it plucked us from the quagmire of doom. We
recommend it to anyone who has money and a mac, get this, it rocks. FogCity
president Will Mayall may be disgruntled to learn that he's our new
Guardian Angel, but if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be in your mailbox
today. Thank you, Will, you saved our hides. Now we can finally tell the
world how cats operate.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Feline Physics -->
///////////////
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some
outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying
mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason
to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat,
in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for
the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum
amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to
stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do
something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and
take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of
light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually occupy, the most comfortable spot in
any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times
the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost
of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
unsuspecting mid-section of a reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of
milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.*.%.
But here's some things that *do* matter, providing you're as hopelessly
curious as them there cats. Concentrate hard, and tell me true:
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
If 7 Eleven is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?
Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment
but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom
fighters fight?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If con is the opposite of pro, what is Congress the opposite of?
If JINX is a "monthly" digest, why does it come out once a year?
If it takes forever to put one together, why is the next one quite near?
And if this really isn't an amazing punchline, why does the issue end here?
###### This has been JINX. To subscribe yourself, send the *subject*
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## ## ## ## ## [Backissues Propaganda & Wests, Oh My!]
## =======================================
## Assorted Dusty Sources:
## Graavy, William C. Helm, FogCity,
## Best Of Humor, and Joseph McLean?
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