Joseph # # # # ### # #
Information ## ## # ## October 31
Network ## ## # ## 1 9 9 7
Xmit # # # # ### # #
A good evening to you all, or rather, a good EVILING... <thunder crashes>.
Yes my little pretties, here at jinx we sit alone in our semi-haunted
solar-powered mansion shack, lit only by flickering candles, and as the
wind tears through the branches outside the publication cubicle we clutch
our garlic cloves in one hand and slowly open the... daily newspaper...
What's that I hear, be it the raucous laughter of our unholy subscribers?
Silence! It is no mere quirk of fate that we read the daily paper, for
it's full of halloween-oriented ("this is a scary sale") advertisements --
and we know you'll appreciate this banner from a famous computer
superstore, carefully noting the subsequent fine-print:
WIN A TERRIFYING, SPOOKY, FRIGHTENING COMPUTER ON OCTOBER 31ST!
(Windows 95 Preinstalled)
:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:,`.;`:
Chilling, is it not? But the horrors do not end there. <sigh> Dammit,
every time I see a piece of Microsoft PR, my heart just sinks...
[ for immediate release ]
Microsoft Corp Addresses Justice Department Accusations
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 31, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by
the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will
be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an
undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "This is going to be a very positive
arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the
press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as
a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable and bug-free by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president
with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the remnants of government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton referred to it as "a
relief" and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "unconditional
support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times
the $200,000 annually he previously earned as U.S. president.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to
Redmond as "silly", although the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well
we're doing". Gates then announced plans to discontinue several
controversial USA products, including USA Freedom, USA Liberty, and USA
Justice. "These products are performing poorly in the global market, and
haven't seen major updates in years" commented Gates. "It's obvious that
the public doesn't want them." Also pending removal is an "antiqued
anti-trust law" that has in the past "cruelly undermined the efforts of
well-intentioned monolithic corporations and monopolies".
When asked if this would have any impact on Microsoft rival
Netscape Communications, Gates said the Mountain View based company would
likely be entangled in legal battles for some time. "As a parent, I am as
concerned as anyone over the amount of offensive language found on the
internet. That's why we're signing into law an immediate ban on the words
``Netscape`` or ``Communicator``, be they displayed on the web, email, or
ftp. I'm pleased to say those obscene Netscape Now images are a thing of
the past." Under the law, Netscape could be expected to pay an inordinate
fee for instigating criminal practises. "A million dollars a day," Gates
confirmed jovially.
Complimenting the acquisition, a new advertising campaign is being
developed under the title "United States of America: Best Viewed with
Internet Explorer". Steve Balmer was enthusiastic about the project,
explaining, "The United States is a nation for all people, as long as they
use registered copies of Microsoft products and upgrade annually."
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that
United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services and free phone-support for 90 days.
***
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
personal computer software and national government.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is a wholly owned subsidiary
of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America", "Microsoft", and "MS-USA" are registered
trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''-..-''
A bold new day for corporate america, eh? With Microsoft at the helm,
we'll no doubt see a strengthening and unification of corporate
intelligence, that american business know-how that's renowned worldwide.
For a stirring example, we need look no further then...
CORPORATE AMERICAN ROWING TECHNIQUES
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to
be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough
were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following
year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers,
and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\_/~\
In a related study, we at jinx have traced the progress of 666 american
corporations (well okay, only 6. But you might read the list three times
in a row, heheheh!) across the globe, just in time to present our sequel to
"American Slogans Abroad". Yes, this issue of JINX is entirely devoted to
U.S. corporations, what else would you expect from a halloween special
edition? Now pay attention.
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read
as "Suffer from diarrhea".
2. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the
label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only
to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use
for the "manure stick".
4. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
5. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
"Schweppes Toilet Water".
6. And finally, not even Nike is exempt. Nike has a television commercial
for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera
closes in on one tribesman who speaks in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike
slogan "Just do it" appears on the screen. According to Lee Cronk, an
anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, the Kenyan is actually
saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."
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