Joseph # # # # # # ### ### ###
Information ## ## # # # # # October 11
Network ## ## # # # # # 1 9 9 7
Xmit # # # # # ### ### ###
THE UNEXPECTABLE ARRIVAL: Just when you'd gotten used to jinx being more
tardy then the american postal service, we happily mess with your
perceptions yet again. Here we are, fresh and sparkling in your mailbox,
and not even a full month has passed since JINX27! How shall our
shellshocked subscribers respond to this unprecedented event? By madly
forwarding the issue to a dozen friends and quadrupling our following by
sundown? Exactly, and when they demand reasons you can regale them with
the following epic tale of valour, nobility, triumph and betrayal -- I'm
speaking (of course) of The Three Little Pigs.
* * *
Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and
in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to
the area, they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of
straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, and creeper
vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were
finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live
in peace and self-determination.
But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf
with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both a
physical and an ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran
into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the
door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs
defending their homes and culture."
But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny.
So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened
pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the
house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a
banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,
"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"
At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to himself: "They
are so childlike in their ways. It will be a shame to see them go, but
progress cannot be stopped."
So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs
ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the
house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort
complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass reconstruction
of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling, and
dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,
"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters
of protest to the United Nations.
By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation
from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and
puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart
attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.
The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little
dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to liberate their
homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced
off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort
complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and lay waste to the cruel
wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not
to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist
democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable
housing for everyone.
THE END
Note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves
were harmed in the publication of this mail list.
( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )
Fortified as you now are with these idealistic images, you are ready to
attempt the final test. Simply follow these instructions:
FOCUS on the task at hand -- forget anything that came before,
it is not relevant.
DON'T scroll down too fast -- do it slowly, follow the
instructions, and do the math in your head as fast as
you can. It worked on almost all of us.
ANSWER the questions (mentally or verbally) one at a time and
think as QUICKLY as you can!
What is:
2+2?
4+4?
8+8?
16+16?
Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5. Got it?
Now scroll down...
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The number you picked was 7, right?
Isn't that weird???
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Seven Simply Superb Sites
<->
{for years now, jinx has lived a cautious coexistence with the world wide
web, much as a quiet philosopher observes an approaching mob of 56 Million
People. Today we break new ground, having (at long last) amassed enough
interesting pages to make an article! Sure, half of them belong to us, but
a milestone has been passed none the less.}
Select: The UCC converts *any* currency, based on same-day figures -- and
offers the comforting fact that my life savings of $1.72 is
equal to $220,512.82 Turkish Lira. http://xe.net/currency/
Scrutinize: The strangest internet article ever written (by none other
then yours truly). http://windspirit.com/joseph/internet/
Sing: In 1968, Captain James Kirk (that is to say, William Shatner), in
a spectacularly misguided career move, made a pop music album.
Now, whatever his other talents, Bill is entirely talent-free
when it comes to singing. Words cannot hope to illustrate
his prowess -- check ``Lucy In The Sky with Diamonds``, it's
our favourite. http://www.loskene.com/singalong/kirk.html
Search: JotBot 1.6 is a tiny floating input window that provides access to
*six* different search engines (HotBot, AltaVista, Yahoo...)
in the fastest manner possible. JB's design facilitates both
instant and marathon searching at speeds ranging from 2 to 10
times regular -- all by avoiding those large front pages and
skipping directly to the data. http://windspirit.com/jotbot/
Seconds: The death clock is the best use of JavaScript in the world.
Simply put; you tell it when you were born, it pops up a
real-time window counting down the seconds you have left to
live. http://www.deathclock.com/
Silence: We've made a fair bit o' web in our days, and our site list
stands as a silent monument to ("isn't it still 1995?") the
years spent weaving. http://windspirit.com/flux/sites.html
Shine: The common pickle has long been our favorite food. But it wasn't
until recently (call us old-fashioned) that we began using
them for illumination... Thanks to the tireless efforts of
Digital Research Laboratories the everyday layman can
finally harness this vegetable's inherent potential,
creating their very own glowing electric pickle.
http://www.research.digital.com/wrl/techreports/html/TN-13/
Don't forget to submit YOUR page to http://windspirit.com/jinx/linx.html
/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=/=
...a friend worked at a computer store on campus. A few years ago, he
had a customer call in and ask the following:
"I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .
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## Assorted Sordid Sources:
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## <www.thesite.com/0797w3/iview/iview667_071697.html>
### ...and my humble self, <joseph@thecentre.com> |
