Joseph # # # # # # ### ###
Information ## ## # # # # September 16
Network ## ## # # # # 1 9 9 7
Xmit # # # # # ### ###
ALL NEW JINX: Okay, there be Good News and Bad News. First the good; our
old and somewhat decrepit prcn address has been discarded for the
exceptionally cute looking <jinx@windspirit.com>, with subscription
processing sped-up slightly from 9 hours to 0.3 seconds! Jinx is now
realtime, baby... and that's not all. The same winds of change have turned
the Jinxsite <http://www.windspirit.com/jinx/> inside out, leaving flashy
toolbars and (at long last) space for a link to YOUR homepage -- just
submit urls via <http://www.windspirit.com/jinx/linx.html> and watch with
triumphant glee as we webbify 'em. All is searchable, interactive,
dynamic, randomisable, and javascripted: in short, every buzzword needed to
qualify as a *presence*. Yay!
The bad news, my friends, comes straight out of hell.
JOBS, SATAN ANNOUNCE DEAL
August 6, 1997: "The era of competition between good and evil is over,"
Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. "We have to let
go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish."
In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community,
Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub,
Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.
During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be
purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the current market
price. "I have Lucifer's word that he will not use his control over
these souls to influence the direction we take in any way." Furthermore,
said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal
souls for three whole years.
The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits
of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing
major pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for at
least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is
also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.
Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that
an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal
Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.
In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock leapt 30 pieces of silver
over the previous day's high.
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And with the demonic laughter of the damned echoing hollowly in our ears,
we take you now... to the devil's bathtub.
This Tidbit is from: Eric Garrisson <EGARRISON@flrsbx.com>
Over the last few weeks I had been researching and evaluating different
manufactures of hot tubs. I wandered into a local Hot Springs dealer and
let the sales man give me his song and dance. Half way through his spiel,
he mentions that all pump, temperature and pressure controls are regulated
by an Intel Pentium processor!
Needless to say, the thought of a GPF while soaking in the hot tub did not
bring thoughts of relaxation and peace... So I bought a Caldera Spa.
<>
Digital Guy Sez:
Perhaps he meant to say they used a 300 Mhz Pentium as the heating element?
+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*=+@+=*
...ill content with just one kind of devil's bathtub, let us open the
venerable Ambrose Beirce's ``Devil's Dictionary`` of 1911:
BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship,
with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.
The man who taketh a steam bath
He loseth all the skin he hath,
And, for he's boiled a brilliant red,
Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,
Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling
With dirty vapors of the boiling. -Richard Gwow
[ Or, three entries up: ]
BABY, n. "A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition,
chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it
excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion." Those considering
obtaining such a creature should read the following primer with great care.
PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 10 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother
or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take
out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug
store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper.
Read it for the last time.
2. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put
the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and
walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on
for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go
to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs
in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
3. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?
4. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
5. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified
for a place on the playgroup committee.
6. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out
in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy
a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size
packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
7. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end,
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until
the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the
house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
8. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
9. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Mini Wheats
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
airplane. Continue until half the Mini Wheats are gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish all
this do not even contemplate having children!
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