Joseph # # # # # #
Information ## ## # # February 24
Network ## ## # # 1 9 9 7
Xmit # # # # #
It's that time of year again -- birds are singing, Cupids flitting about,
and everyone's thoughts are turning to love, chocolates, and little fuzzy
hearts. In short, it can mean but one thing... TAX TIME! Aye, last week
we at JINX tackled our taxes, aided by a crack accountant cleverly
disguised as my mother. I'm still not sure if deducting you 335
subscribers as dependants was such a great idea, but we could have done a
lot worse... Recently, for example, tax authorities noticed that the
family of former Japanese Prime Minister Kakuei Tanaka underreported the
value of their inheritance from the old chap by a mere Y7.8 billion (US$78
million). Tanaka's daughter, Makiko, now a member of Japan's House of
Representatives and tipped as a likely future prospect for the country's
first female prime minister, explained that she can't be held responsible
for the family's deficient tax returns because "I am only a housewife."
Frankly, that's my defense too.
<>
But yes, tis a romantic time of year... and what, I ask you, could be more
romantic then an exotic film from the Orient? They may speak a different
language, but the emotion shines through:
(English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled in the book
Sex and Zen & a Bullet in the Head, published last August by Fireside.)
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.
Gun wounds AGAIN?
Same rules: no eyes, no groin.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
Quiet you I'll blow your throat up.
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!*!-!
After Yesterday's Crash
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of broken bones, JINX's subscription service provider <prcn.org>
was recently attacked by an evil hacker! [backwords note: JINX's *old*
SSP this is, not the spiffy windspirit.com] Hailing from (of all embarrassing
places) CompuServe, the daring lousy guy broke in and corrupted everyone's
mail data, causing a whole week's worth of JINX subscriptions to vanish
without a trace. We at JINX have moved quickly to allay this problem,
using only the highest quality lead pipes & bats to explain the merits of
security and backup to local prcn techs. Sadly, no amount of bashing can
change the facts: all subscription requests between January 19 - 26 were
erased before they could be acted upon.
The point is a bit moot, since you must be subscribed in order to read
these words -- however! Do not forget those friends, relatives, or fellow
inmates who attempted to subscribe to JINX during that week... they must be
warned! If, on the other hand, they never subscribed in the first place,
now is the time to ask, "but.. why not?". Remember to look personally hurt.
/`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./`/./
Meanwhile, love is still in the air... in truth, what can one say about love?
************************************************************************
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."
************************************************************************
Ahem. By now, you probably realize JINX would *never* be as predicable as
to use cutsie "Love Quotes" near Valentine's Day! Which brings us to...
VALENTINE'S DAY CUTSIE LOVE QUOTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When you're in love, it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask
yourself this one question: Would I mind being financially destroyed by
this person?"
- Ronnie Shakes
"A woman in a hotel bar told the sportswriter Woody Paige that she would do
anything he wanted for a hundred dollars. 'I'm in room 125', he replied,
"Go up and write a column and a sidebar.'" - Jon Winokur
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for
money usually costs a lot less."
- Brendan Francis
"A kiss is produced by a kind of sucking movement of the muscles of the
lips, accompanied by a weaker or louder sound. It must be in contact with a
creature or object; otherwise you could be calling a horse." - Chrisopher
Nyrop
"To attract men I wear a perfume called, 'New Car Interior'". - Rita Rudner
"The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable."
- Lord Chesterfield the faintly annoyed
and dare we add...
"A hard man is good to find."
- Mae West
*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*^*`*
And if THAT doesn't inspire you to write poems of grandeur and delicacy,
well... I know this will. Taken from actual real truthful High School
Essays, ladies and gentlemen, here are the undisputed winners of:
"The Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means
to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung
but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was
a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something
like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 MPH, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 MPH.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after
the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a
thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm
scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Leon Jones, Dallas)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In a moment the world would come to a sudden end, snuffed out like
the sudden ending of a JINX digest. (Joseph McLean, Lun--
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...and me, <joseph@thecentre.com>
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