Joseph # # # # ### ### ###
Information ## ## # # # September 3
Network ## ## # # # 1 9 9 6
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KABINDA, ZAIRE--In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the
company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti,
a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem
yesterday to crush a nut. Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the
nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the
powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who
added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With
IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking,
28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his
southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows
African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese
schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he
believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to
provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our
telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global
networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross,
IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an
Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has
the ideas to get you where you want to go today."
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive
was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of
vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I
hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good
modem."
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A DIFFERENT BREED OF EVIL: In last issue's rant about naughty cigarette
funding, jinx mistakenly aligned Nabisco with Philip Morris. In truth, as
a hasty reader was daring enough to point out, Nabisco is owned by RJ
Reynolds, which is... just as bad. This has led to many philosophical
musings at JINX HQ, the end result being this: Our short-order list was
focused on one evil source alone, and as such is far too tame. How many
companies have devious secrets behind them? We at JINX would like to know,
in fact, we aim to create a JHIT LIST with every nasty name on it, be they
corporate, individual or demigod. So once again, we heartily desire your
input!!
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Of course, sometimes one actually feels sorry for those big ol'
corporations... Especially when the poor things try something that requires
skill, like cracking into an international market. It shouldn't be that
hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of, um,
language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of
signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or
"female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Mystery
ingredient?
Not to be outdone, the Taiwanese translation of Pepsi's slogan "Come alive
with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors
back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger- lickin' good"
came out as "eat your fingers off."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company
discovered out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its
Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company
eventually found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male
genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which
means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the
company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass.
Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant."
and finally...
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental
breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's
eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, slogan, "Orange juice. It gets
your pecker up."
By the way, these are all completely true.
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AND BACK THEY ALL WENT: Today is not just another flopday. Today is the
day when millions of youths re-enter the public education system, seat
themselves firmly in front of the latest government-sponsored internet
access machines, and, with the light of eternal curiosity in their eyes,
quietly subscribe en masse to JINX. Er, well. And although we at jinx
will not be among them, we must pause here for a moment of... quiet pride.
And we feel a need to give these brave students something back, something
in return, so... cheat sheets, anyone?
Yes, we've managed to obtain the year's final exam, and although size
constraints prevent us from posting the answers, we *can* list every
question, giving you a clear idea what areas to focus on in the coming
months. Don't pass too quickly...! And from all (one) of us, to all
(billion) of you, good luck.
-----> FINAL EXAM <-----
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social,
political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia,
America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has
been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special
attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove
your thesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional
stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the
following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your
evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate
references. It is not necessary to translate.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in
Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room.
Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your
decision.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for
preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of
view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in
your answer to the last question.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects (if any).
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of
your stand.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation
of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific!
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