Joseph # # # # ### ###
Information ## ## # # July 17th
Network ## ## # # 1 9 9 6
Xmit # # # # ### ###
JINX STAYS TRUE: Here at Jinx HQ, we've been so flooded with ridiculously
true things that we've got a whole second issue's worth! After careful
consideration, we've decided that being honest twice in a row can't be too
painful, and so we bring you... cat flaps. Yes we do. Now, one of the
primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that they're flaps
specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or giraffes, or
humans... All of this became abundantly clear to teenager Jason Evans, of
Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours stuck in one after
using it in an attempt to get into his house. He was eventually cut free by
firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his
front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece
of installation art. Mr. Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because
he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student
pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright
blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying
'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'.
Passers-by assumed Mr. Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only
when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I
kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good! Very
clever!' and threw coins at me."
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[and now, to butts of an entirely different nature...]
Yes, it's Philip Morris. You know, the world's 7th largest industrial
company in the world. Sales were $60 billion last year. As the largest
distributor of tobacco products, Philip Morris is also the biggest killer
of people in the world -- somewhere around 300,000 per year.
So, who would support this kind of company? You would. Conveniently,
Philip Morris is also the largest supplier of consumer goods in the world:
"The World's Best Brands," as they like to put it. Ten Percent of your
grocer's shelves are stocked with Philip Morris-owned products.
They're using that combined advertising clout to bully Canada into scraping
"plain cigarette wrapping" plans, and of course, to keep the media from
saying bad things (read: telling the truth) about everybody's favorite
addiction. Don't say `cancer` or Kraft will blacklist your
magazine/network/country...
Well, it's time to blacklist right back at them. Here's the quick and
dirty list of companies, products and institutions to AVOID FOREVER:
Kraft General Foods
Nabisco
Post
Maxwell House
Sanka
Nabob
Molson
Miller
Foster's
Del Monte Foods
Shoppers Drug Mart
Canada Trust
Hardee's.
If some of these products are already in your possession, we at JINX
recommend you burn them at once, or, alternately, throw them at the nearest
smoker.
n.b.: If you smoke, JINX offers profuse apologies while reserving the right
to make nasty remarks about you when you're not listening.
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...in posting the above article, we did take some risks. But hey,
sometimes it's best to take the bold stance, place the common good before
your own liability. Besides, I'd just seen these fine quotations direct
from Court Transcripts, and all of a sudden felt quite heroic...
<>
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
<>
Q: ....any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
<>
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
a victim?
<>
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
<>
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
<>
The crowning statement:
Q: When he went, had you gone and she, if she wanted to and were able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
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AND THE WEB SHOOK: Some eight months ago, JINX rampaged gently onto the
internet, threatening the very definition of "mail list". Today, with
suitable fanfare and loud cheering noises, JINX has debuted all over again:
http://www.windspirit.com/jinx/
Yes indeed, we're "on the web", available for your hypertextual exploration
24 hours a day! It's mainly an infodump, brimming with propaganda,
subscription info, and back issues. The next phase will (one hopes) be
built largely around the creative talent of YOU (yes you) the viewer, and
include all the nifty stuff that I begged for last issue, which is still
being organized. To complicate things even further, I'm about to begin
wandering eastward in the general direction of Ontario for some sort of
vacation, causing all work to halt until my return in early August. That
doesn't mean you can't aid the cause in my absence...!
Windspirit (in case you're wondering) is an online gallery of west coast
art that I've been webmastering over the summer, a giant monopolizer of my
free time and the singlemost reason JINX is a monthly digest instead of a
weekly... that's <www.windspirit.com>, still largely unknown to the world
and definitely beta, so if you feel brave you can test it out and become a
feedback person.
Should you be seized with the illogical idea of hotlinking us from your own
homepage, go right ahead and steal www.windspirit.com/jinx/jsquare.gif, and
point it at the main address (that one up there).
Mmmm, URLs -- our *own* URLs! A proud moment. Do check us out...
(end JINX PR)
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Okay, so JINX Press Releases are a little unorthodox. What can I say?
We've had the strangest influences...
Apple Continues Marketing Momentum with Major Co-Promotional Campaign
CUPERTINO, California--June 28, 1996--Apple Computer, Inc., today
announced as part of the Company's bold, new marketing approach, that it
has teamed with 20th Century Fox on co-marketing efforts for the
feature film, "Independence Day."
The film tells the story of an unfriendly alien invasion, and the team of
disparate individuals who must come together to save the world from
destruction. Apple's work with 20th Century Fox on "Independence Day"
began over a year ago when Apple's Product Placement team worked with 20th
Century Fox Licensing and Merchandising division and the film's producers
to help establish the Apple PowerBook as the computer used by actor Jeff
Goldblum's character to SAVE THE WORLD. The compelling images and themes
from the film are being used by Apple in support of a marketing campaign
summarized in the campaign tagline "PowerBook: The Power to Save the World."
YES YES YES YES YES!!
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Speaking of which,
"During the US relief mission to Somalia I ran across two young Marines who
needed to deal with the locals. They spoke no Somali and Somali linguists
were few and far between. They were using a PowerBook 145B, running a
HyperCard Stack that they had designed to play Somali Phrases. This worked
well for them, their commander was so impressed they put in an emergency
order for about 40 more PowerBooks to outfit several more patrols."
I can see it now, "Dammit man it's an emergency! Send in the `Books!!"
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Translations... hm, here's a few classic examples when, well, PowerBooks
just weren't available. Nice to see respect of our fine English language
around the world though...
IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors
in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension!
ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
IN A HONGKONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results.
OUTSIDE A HONGKONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs.
FROM THE "SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with each other
for this purpose.
IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
this purpose.
IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time!
ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skin.
DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop. Drive sideways.
IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special Today - no ice cream.
IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them in
all directions!
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER:
If you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control
yourself.
FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor!
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## utterly okay, provided our address gets
## # to come along. Other rights reserved...
## =======================================
## Web the Jinx:
## # ## # ## /jinx/index.html for the nifty homepage
## # ##### ### /jinx/propaganda.html for official info
## # # ## ## /jinx/jinxback/ for all them backissues
## ## ## ## ## Add `www.windspirit.com` before the / !
## =======================================
## Assorted Sources:
## <emily_fairbanks@thecentre.com><macway@aol.com>
## <vbs@thecentre.com>--=+=--<gpark@jumppoint.com>
### <whcole@nando.net> & me: <joseph@thecentre.com>
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