Joseph # # # # ###
Information ## ## # June 20th
Network ## ## # 1 9 9 6
Xmit # # # # ###
NDP TAKES MAJORITY WIN -- JINX CREDITED WITH SURPRISE VICTORY
The votes are in (yes, in for quite some time now... don't glare at me, I'm
a busy fellow, better late then never), and amazingly the NDP is still the
Government of BC. How can it be possible? Perhaps this inspiring CBC
Commentary, spoken on national TV moments after the election, will lend a
clue:
"...well Kevin, the Liberals put up a good fight, but it appears they were
effectively jinxed..."
It's true! So true, in fact, that we've been inspired to concoct a very
special issue of JINX:
*************
TRUTH OR DARE
*************
Every article in this issue is certifiably based on FACT. Everything
you're about to witness really truly happened at one time or another.
Maybe it shouldn't have, but it did, and we're here to prove it...
For our first true segment, we turn to the dear madame we stole our title
from, namely, Madonna. This is all true. This is an Interview. It's in
Hungarian. Yes it is. Keep reading.
<>
The following was excerpted from an interview with Madonna by the newspaper
"Blikk", originally translated into Hungarian by the paper. We translated
it *back* to English to prove a few points on the subtleties of language.
Professional Translators were used in both cases...
Blikk: Madonna, Budapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled. Did
you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are you in good odor? You are
the biggest fan of our young people who hear your musical productions and
like to move their bodies in response.
Madonna: Thank you for saying these compliments [holds up hands]. Please
stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my
garments for all to see [laughs]. This is a joke I have made.
Blikk: Madonna, let's cut toward the hunt: Are you a bold hussy-woman that
feasts on men who are tops?
Madonna: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface
my longings. In America it is not considered to be mentally ill when a
woman advances on her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails
present. And there is a more normal attitude toward leather play-toys that
also makes my day.
Blikk: Is this how you met Carlos, your love-servant who is reputed?
Did you know he was heaven-sent right off the stick? Or were you dating
many other people in your bed at the same time?
Madonna: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a
scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as
regards these questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse!
Carlos is an everyday person who is in the orbit of a star who is being
muscle-trained by him, not a sex machine.
Blikk: O.K., here's a question from left space: What was your book Slut
about?
Madonna: It was called Sex, my book.
Blikk: Not in Hungary, here it was called Slut. How did it come to
publish? Were you lovemaking with a man-about-town printer? Do you prefer
making suggestive literature to fast-selling CDs?
Madonna: These are different facets to my career highway.
Blikk: Thank you for your candid chitchat.
Madonna: No problem, friend who is a girl.
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...and we segue gracefully from Madonna to the fitting topic of The
Communications Decency Act. As most of us non hole-dwellers know, three
wise judges in Philadelphia have officially blocked the Act's enforcement,
freezing the beast in it's unsightly tracks. As we wait for the U.S.
Government to drag it to Supreme Court, we're left with the possibly
immortal words of Judge Stewart Dalzell -- a hero in his own right.
"If the Government is going to intrude upon the sacred ground of
the First Amendment and tell its citizens that their exercise of
protected speech could land them in jail, the law imposing such a
penalty must clearly define the prohibited speech not only for the
potential offender but also for the potential enforcer. As the
most participatory form of mass speech yet developed, the Internet
deserves the highest protection from governmental intrusion.
"True it is that many find some of the speech on the Internet to
be offensive, and amid the din of cyberspace many hear discordant
voices that they regard as indecent. The absence of governmental
regulation of Internet content has unquestionably produced a kind
of chaos, but as one of plaintiffs' experts put it with such
resonance at the hearing: 'What achieved success was the very
chaos that the Internet is. The strength of the Internet is that
chaos.' Just as the strength of the Internet is chaos, so the
strength of our liberty depends upon the chaos and cacophony of
the unfettered speech the First Amendment protects."
WELL SAID. Speaking of cacophony, JINX's unfettered web site should be
announced by next issue -- watch the skies...
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Mind you, there's some language that the world is really better off
without. Here's an example, with the applause going to the victim's, er,
student's response...
--------------
Correspondence between the admissions at MIT and a prospective student:
April 18, 1994
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now
you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students
would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to
consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful
indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It
certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn
we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain
and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the
country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here
*is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are
imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams -
39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural
program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got
surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about
this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure,
"Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
*************************************************************************
May 5, 1994
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And
now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most
universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you
to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so
selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited
universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a
powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility
for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to
learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to
limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest
professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am*
self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan
is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more
sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites
such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got
surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase
your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John
Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
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Alrighty, we've bashed the Government, ridiculed MIT, unspun Madonna and
upset several innocent Hungarian translators... how I *love* working in the
name of truth, who's next? Oh, of course!
This telling quote is from the Manual for Macromedia's Extreme 3D, page 3
of the
Introduction. It's a guaranteed double-take.
<>
System requirements:
You can use Extreme 3D with either a Macintosh computer or a
computer running Windows.
Macintosh systems
Microprocessor 68040 (or later) processor. (Power Macintosh is
recommended for professional production work.)...
Windows systems
Microprocessor 486 processor or higher. (Power Macintosh is
recommend for professional production work.)...
*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*
Heh heh heh heh heh heh <watches Microsoft subscribers dwindle rapidly>
Hey, wait, don't leave! We'll... we'll tell you about Fred!
--------------------------> IRRELEVANT FACTS
The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
There is a town in Newfoundland called Dildo.
Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
was retarded.
In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
toast.
An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
[an average jinx subscriber laughs 15 times a page, but who are we to brag]
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
coffee.
The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon,
and Elvis Presley.
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
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