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AN EXPERIMENT IN LONGING: The Jinx Delay Continues
As the release date of Issue 19 came and went, apprehension grew within the
ranks of subscribers. Indeed, those who were new to the concept of jinx
and the fuzzy logic involved began to rush the subscription server in a
blind panic, fearing their subscriptions had been mysteriously lost. NOT
SO! Jinx is far too weird to be bound by rules of space and time --
chances are it will arrive in your mailbox exactly 3 seconds after you were
certain it wouldn't be coming. And Jinx's curator, who lives a perilous
alter-life as a wandering computer consultant, is often so deluged in the
petty matters of the real world that, strive as he may, he's usually yanked
into some `directional meeting` faster then you can say "wait for jinx!".
As a pathetic excuse, and a survival guide for us all, we now cut to this
week's special report:
* About Meetings *
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes
helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any
duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a
new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer
"long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much
free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement.
Most jobs, however, will require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving
primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is.
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In
those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for
Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was,
Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur
and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope,
only nobody knew this).
At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some
brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our
prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in
a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.
But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not
produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.
The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right
near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who
were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus
modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened
without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared
with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people
who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be
somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have
a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a
meeting.
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another
meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the
Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings
operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were
killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back
into meetings and eat the brains of the living.
<->
Next week, we venture further into the world of meetings with Part Two:
Understanding the premises that drive a meeting (Tradition vs. Alleged
Purpose) plus the largely misunderstood art of notetaking.
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THE TEST OF TIME:
Computer experts are warning of a potential programming bug that could
cause havoc when the year changes to one ending in double zeros. Seems
programers in 1960s used a two-digit format to show the year but when we
reach 2000 computers will record it as 1900. So how many computers rely on
this insane form of timekeeping? Try 80 - 90% of all the PCs the world.
The only mainstream computer that won't go crazy one second after
12/31/1999 at 11:59:59 is... the Macintosh!
This might sound trivial, but it's far from it. The Gartner Group's
Kevin Schick says, "The alternative to addressing [the computer problems
posed by] the year 2000 will be going out of business." People who choose
Macintosh won't have to address the problem at all, while their competition
coughs up an estimated 600 Billion dollars in recovery funds....
<click>
If you hated the last piece, don't worry, you'll despise this:
Okay, so by now *everyone* knows the Flying Pentium Adds were created on a
Macintosh. Ever wonder what else?
Well, all the Evil Mags: PC World, Windows Magazine, Windows Sources
Magazine, Computer Shopper Magazine, Visual Basic Magazine. Beware the Mac
behind the curtain!
And...
Gateway 2000's print advertising. And Dell's, and Miswest Micro's, and
IBM's, and (oops!) Microsoft's. Speaking of the dark side, they also used
Macs exclusively to develop their Microsoft Network Graphics, their outdoor
banner stuff, all the Win95 Packaging, even the far-too-hyped Win95 Logo...!
Time for one more comment, since we're on the interesting topic of Win95.
Your comment, sir?
"We found that 30 percent to 40 percent of our 1995 consulting services
involved removing the Windows 95 platform. While Windows 95 was close to
the top in sales, it was also the most requested platform to be removed
from our client base." -Gary Jones, Jones Precision Software
So there you are, windows *is* number one.
_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)_(_)
Sheesh, sheesh, you cry, enough! It's like you guys are in a religious war
or something! But... have you ever considered that we really are?
I turn now to the back page of the Italian Magazine `Espresso`, kindly
translated to English by someone kind.
<>
. . . Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground
religious war which is modifying the modern world. It's an old idea of
mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately
agree with me.
The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh
computer and the users of MS-DOS-compatible computers. I am firmly of the
opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant. Indeed,
the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by the "ratio
studiorum" of the Jesuits. It is cheerful, friendly, conciliatory. It tells
the faithful how they must proceed step by step to reach, if not the
Kingdom of Heaven, the moment in which their document is printed. It is
catechistic: the essence of revelation is dealt with via simple formulae
and sumptuous icons. Everyone has a right to salvation.
DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic. It allows free interpretation
of scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle
hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all can
reach salvation. To make the system work you need to interpret the program
yourself: a long way from the baroque community of revelers, the user is
closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.
You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe
has come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of the
Macintosh. It's true: Windows represents an Anglican-style schism, big
ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a
return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions; when
it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and gays to be ministers
if you want to.
./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./
And the last word goes to Sienfeld and his parakeet.
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these
huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design
principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?
What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a
whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in
there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his
cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he
thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid
hitting the other parakeet?"
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