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Information ## # # # # # April 14th
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JINX Update: Brace yourself, my friends. More "Computer Viruses of the
'90s" have just been discovered.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: never calls itself a virus, but instead refers
to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: activates every component in your system just before the
whole damn thing quits.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: starts by boldly stating "read my docs... no new files"
on the screen; it proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive
with new files; then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
LAPD VIRUS: claims to feel threatened by the other files on your PC and
erases them in self defense.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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And now it's high time for the JINX "world in review"!
CLEAN AIR: When the Ku Klux Klan burned a cross in Modesto, Calif.,
local police said they couldn't do anything because it was done on
the private property of the Imperial Wizard. But the San Joaquin
Valley Unified Air Pollution Control District says it can do
something: it plans to file court papers asking for a $50,000 fine
from the Klan for polluting the air, plus an injunction against
future cross burnings. "They are doing it as a get-in-our-face kind
of thing," a pollution control attorney said, adding that only
agricultural materials can be burned, not crosses.
<click>
Local businessmen believe Robin Hood and his Merry Men are the wrong image
for a city projecting itself as more engaged in technological revolution
that the art of archery. Four advertising agencies have been invited by
Nottingham First, a consortium of businessmen, to design a new symbol for
the city that will present a less "hostile" image to potential investors.
"The legend of Robin Hood is of a person with a soul and a civic
conscience, a man who robbed from the rich to give to the poor. That
is rather out of fashion these days," said Mr. Roy Greensmith (the
current Sheriff of Nottingham).
<>
Shocking. And lastly, this heartwarming tale from the nicer side of evil:
<>
Last December, thieves drove a van through the front window of a
MicroCenter at 60 MPH. Unfortunately for the thieves, their van hit a
support beam just inside the store which totaled it completely. Even more
unfortunately, the impact also compressed the gas tank, which promptly set
the van on fire.
Undaunted, the thieves made their way past their burning van, past the
software, past the accessories, past the Windows laptops, past the DOS
clones, past the name brand Intel machines to the far corner of the store:
the Mac sales department. They promptly stole eight PowerMac 7500s and made
their escape, proving that although crime is on the rise, at least the
taste of the thieves is improving...
<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>-<~>
Damn right. Any guesses what the fine pair were drinking?
Operating Beverages
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-ounce can, but now comes in a
32-ounce can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. Apparently, kids
can drink it without risk. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read
the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
an 8-ounce can, but now comes in a 16-ounce can. However, the can is
divided into eight compartments of two ounces each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people
are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Windows 95 Beer
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful.
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1
Beer. It comes in 32-ounce cans, but when you look inside, the cans have
only 16 ounces of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Window 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like
it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of
the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
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THERE IS STILL HOPE.
Quoted in Inter@ctive Week, Joel Maloff of Maloff Consulting offers an
interesting take on things: "Microsoft is going to dominate the Internet
in the same way that IBM dominated the telephone business and AT&T
dominated the computer business when each tried to expand outside of their
core business areas."
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Interesting, hm? Really made you think, didn't it? Well... think deeper.
DEEP THOUGHTS AGAIN
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
go, because, man, they're gone.
==========
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You
can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
==========
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of
something you did."
==========
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that
word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery
and that's why so is mankind.
==========
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye
contact.
==========
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to
red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more
than a bunch of honking and yelling?
Sometimes it seemed that way.
==========
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up,
and started wondering who this person was, and why he had
deer horns.
==========
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't
know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and
collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a
crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will
want to meet the busy garbage guy.
==========
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your
rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the
person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
==========
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and
pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along,
low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.
Now that's a documentary.
==========
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil
we are losing each year, but I told that story around the
campfire and nobody got scared.
==========
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure
owed me a lot of money."
==========
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to
sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the
treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I
thought we won!"
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