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Information ## # # # # April 7th
Network ## # # # # 1 9 9 6
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JINX OBTAINS NEW FIREWALL ADDRESS: Traditionally, the term "firewall" has
applied to any system designed to keep potentially deranged vermin from
overwhelming and crashing an internet server. What better name, then, for
handling the tenfold increase in JINX subscribers? ;) This new address will
*only* dole out subscriptions, freeing up the real JINXSERVER to handle
contributions, propaganda, and other matters of utmost importance [backwards
note: our *current* address is jinx@windspirit.com]. The firewall will
politely ignore any message whose *subject* doesn't contain "jinx me", so be
precise! Don't be a Quayle.
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"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century -- I didn't live
in this century."
-- Dan Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Dan Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
--- Vice President Quayle
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared."
--Vice President Quayle 12/6/88
"May our nation continue to be a beakon of hope to the worl."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card
[not a beacon of literacy, though]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Quayle 11/30/88
"I have made good judgements in the past, I have made good judgements in
the future."
-- Vice President Quayle
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Quayle, 9/21/88
"I stand by all the misstatements that I have made."
--Vice President Quayle
"We have a commitment to NATO, we are part of NATO. We have a commitment
to Europe, we are part of Europe."
--Vice President Quayle
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
--V.P. Quayle
"A lower voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
--V.P. Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A, my answer has been direct and simple: who caused the
riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The
killers are to blame." --V.P. Quayle
-+=+-
And I like this one, Quayle predicts JINX's rise to glory:
"People that are very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Quayle
*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*^~`*
Dan Quayle was an amazing politician. But let's face it, he's finaly got
some competition...
Gender differences in combat as described by *Newt Gingrich*:
"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems
staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they
don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively
rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them
in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These
things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an
Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and
their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who
gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because
males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."
-- Adjunct Professor Newt Gingrich
Reinhardt College
January 7, 1995,
"Renewing American Civilization."
In reply to this statement, Fresno Bee reporter John Scalzi decided to
write Newt a letter:
Dear Mr. Gingrich:
My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in
Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your
comments about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for
men to hunt giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a *poll* to
see whether that innate giraffe-hunting (and the little piglet wallowing)
urge is in fact alive and well in the average American male.
Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever
the case may be.
Poll Results:
1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
Yes: 0%
No: 100%
2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
Yes:4%
No: 96%
3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 8%
No: 92%
4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
Yes: 20%
No: 80%
5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the
following would you choose?
a) Zebra: 2%
b) Rhino: 6%
c) Meerkat: 12%
d) Boar: 42%
e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%
6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
Yes: 38%
No: 62%
7. Might it make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to
set up giraffe ranches?
Yes: 92%
No: 8%
8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get
the urge to stick him with a spear?
Yes: 40%
No: 60%
9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt
a giraffe?
Yes: 74%
No: 26%
10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools,
or simply his own mouth?
Tools: 48%
Mouth: 52%
11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a
little piglet?
Hunt: 30%
Wallow: 70%
12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
Yes: 22%
No: 78%
13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
Yes: 54%
No: 46%
14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
Yes: 58%
No: 42%
15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
Yes: 18%
No: 82%
.end.
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Speaking of chicken, I must ask you all...
Why?
WHY?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's a question that's plagued mankind for countless centuries. And yet,
if we look into the future, we may find the answers we seek...
*********************
The Star Trek Replies
*********************
Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in
this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.
Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.
Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.
HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I
didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it
would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road,
if it had remembered to turn me off!
Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be
something wrong with the universe.
Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.
Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.
Quark: Who, me?
Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you
killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son!
Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!
Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.
Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!
Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the
20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal
should have been to traverse the distance without interception by any kind
of combustion-propelled personal trans... perambulate upon a conveyance
normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.
The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be
assimilated.
Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!
Picard: There are four lights!
Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?
Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...
Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's
been a terrible misunderstanding.
Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!
Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!
Spock: Fascinating, Captain.
V'Ger: To join with the Creator.
The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once!
You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!
Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed
roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using
them!
Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.
Mr. Homn:
Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me,
Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...
Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be
able to comprehend the answer.
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