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Information ## # # # March 31st
Network ## # # # 1 9 9 6
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THAT IDLE JINX: While millions sat waiting with baited breath for the great
16th issue of this digest, JINX's curator was dashing back and forth at the
beck and call of several large corporations and one Art Gallery. Although
he tried to convince those that hired him the importance of telling jokes
to a good portion of the internet, his pleas fell on deaf ears. Would JINX
ever see the light of day again? It would! "Joe," said one of the kinder
corporations, "Take an hour off Sunday. Go for a walk or something."
Now I ask you, would YOU go for a walk.... or write an edition of JINX?
Especially when there's headlines like these to cover:
Scientists Discover New Element: `Administratium`
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University
physicists here in Lund. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad),
has no protons or electrons, which means that it has an atomic number 0 and
falls outside the natural patterns exhibited by other elements. However, it does
have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice neutrons and 111
assistants to the vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312
particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles, called "memos". Because it has no protons or
electrons, Administratium is inert. Nonetheless, it can be detected chemically,
in that it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to
one of the discoverers, even a small amount of Administratium made one reaction
which normally lasts less than a second take more than four days. Administratium
has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay.
Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a vice neutron, assistants to
the vice neutron and certain assistants to the neutron exchange places. Some
studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each
reorganization, although this is yet to be explained. Another phenomenon which
has been observed, as expected from the mechanics of minute particles, is that
the more one tries to pin down the positions of vice neutrons within the
structure of administratium, the more uncertain those positions become. Within
a short time after the discovery was announced, the existence of the element was
confirmed in laboratories around the world.
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Ah, the relentless march of Science... but you know, an awful lot of the
marching is done by people that aren't exactly scientific. After all,
these explanations of the universe are the best I've ever heard (with
apologies to Carl Segan):
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever
anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is
here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something
even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which
states that this has already happened."
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side,
a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened,
I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of
those things which happen from time to time."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so
that man doesn't have to experience it."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This
has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a
bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the
mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software
engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better
idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe
was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need
replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that
intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has
never tried to contact us."
"Given that God is infinite, and the Universe is also infinite,
would you like a toasted tea-cake?" - Toaster, Red Dwarf
-{that last one wasn't just a theory, it was a clever change of topic}-
If Microsoft made toasters:
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have
to pay for it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence
requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or
dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your
other appliances to find out who made them.
If Sony made toasters:
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters:
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of
your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster!
If Cray made toasters:
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If Timex made toasters:
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a roasting and keep on toasting.
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QUOTE THIS: JINX wants your favorite most nifty and utterly cool quotes!
Yes, we know you well, know you've got those little stashes of famous words
squirrelled away. Send them in and we'll mix them all into a complete
super-quotable issue!
Quotes should reflect one of the two most burning topics in the world
today, that is, "jinx" or "west"... although in truth we'll take any quotes
you can muster. Use the above universal theories as inspiration, and read
the following essay to weed out any but the BEST examples of the English
language.
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The following list was painstakingly compiled by Frank L. Visco,
Vice-President and Senior Copywriter at USAdvertising, as a practical guide
to writing. At first glance they seemed a bit silly, but after reading
rule upon rule they done my wording a mite of good, and jinx will be
benefit of them.
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: ``I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know.''
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%
b o z o f i l t e r o f t h e w e e k:
"It's going to cost money, but I don't - but I think defense - you know,
we're talking about protecting American lives."
- GOP standard-bearer Bob Dole, introducing a bill on 21 March to
resurrect the Strategic Defense Initiative (commonly known as the
"Star Wars" program), which has already cost American taxpayers
US$30,000,000,000.
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