Joseph # # # #
Information ## # # March 16th
Network ## # # 1 9 9 6
Xmit # # #
We can only wish the Junos had been as lively as last month's Brit Awards. At
that event, Jarvis Cocker of the band *Pulp* took it upon himself to disrupt a
strange performance by Michael Jackson. Disgusted by Jackson's Christlike
postures (surrounding himself with a swarm of worshipful children dressed in
rags, kissing a rabbi), Cocker jumped onstage, and, according to his British
publicist, "ran around and danced a bit, wiggling his bum at the
audience". Jackson's security yanked him off and called the cops; they
accused Cocker of assault (with his bum?) but haven't pressed charges. In a
public statement, Jarvis described his action as a protest against Jackson and
the pandering British music industry that "allows him to indulge his
fantasies because of his wealth and power. People go along with it even though
they know it's a bit sick. I just couldn't go along with it anymore." The
British media, which initially pilloried Cocker, made an abrupt about-face after
the show was televised, proclaiming him a hero. Celebrities sent letters of
support to Cocker and papers like the Guardian, including *Brian Eno*,
Everything But The Girl, and Bernard Butler, who wrote, "I'm proud of what
Jarvis did, and everyone around me was saying they wish they'd done it."
We're proud of Jarvis too. For his amazing feat (not to mention the fact that
Pulp's music is the best we at JINX have heard all year -- and we listen a lot),
Jarvis becomes the first person to receive the Jinx Order of Excellence:
Lifetime of Innovation, Knowledge, and Exceptional Silliness! If you have a
nomination for this award, send full details to our address. Ceremonies will be
held in the last issue of '96, and we promise, Jackson isn't invited.
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**Super Newton!**
Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC) just introduced a 200 mHz chip for
about $50 each (in quantities of a trillion, probably) that would be
suited to small, uncomplicated computers, like set-top boxes of the
future, internet terminals, or... yes, the Newton. Apple has worked with
DEC on this chip for over 18 months, and could use it in future Newtons.
The chip was developed with a licensing agreement from Advanced RISC
Machines (ARM) and is called the StrongARM. Apple, not surprisingly,
owns a good part of ARM. [JINX Note: The world's fastest PDA, the
Newton 120, is rated at *20* mHz... do the math...]
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In the past, we've often considered Supermodels to be a little, well,
airheaded. In an effort to dispel this cruel image, JINX has obtained some
powerful quotes that are indeed an inspiration to us all.
DEEP THOUGHTS FROM SUPERMODELS
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh
my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from
behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought!"
-- Christie Brinkley
ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-- Carol Alt
ON LOGIC
"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it,
then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS
"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and
I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box,
attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation
Army. It was a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb
ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that
I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when
women are nearby."
-- Fabio
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Now that we're properly inspired, let's charge right into...
The Further Adventures of PowerBook
<cue indiana jones music>
Four consultants were bravely collaborating on an important paper -- three
armed with PC laptops, the fourth with a PowerBook. As they worked,
they would exchange data with each other. At least, that was the idea. It
turns out that the 3 PC users could not exchange data at all. PC user #1
could not read floppies from PC user #2 or PC user #3. PC user #2 could not
read floppies from PC user #1 or PC user #3. PC user #3 could not read
floppies from PC user #1 or PC user #2. This created a HUGE problem.
The PowerBook 520 user came to the rescue. He was able to take
every floppy and convert them so the other PC users could use
them. It was the focal point of the operation. But it didn't end there...
A few weeks later the power plant that supplied them with power *exploded*
and the surge that occurred not only blew out light bulbs but also
destroyed two of the PCs and crashed the third. The PowerBook didn't even
hickup. It just kept on going on battery power.
Imagine what a great world this would be if everyone standardized on
Macintosh. Things just might get done!
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The following is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallaghere, now attends NYU.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran of love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last
summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights
in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees
at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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