Joseph          #  # ### #   #
Information      ##   #  #   #      March 10th
Network          ##   #   # #        1 9 9 6
Xmit            #  # ###   #

JINX GOES INTO OVERDRIVE

Okay, okay.  So in the last week, subscription doubled, the Jinxserver
processed over 100 various commands, requests, and contributions, and
several megabytes of text flew wildly back and fourth.  This has prompted
furious research towards a real genuine actual Listserv program, and as we
scour the globe for one you'll have to make do with a two-day turn around
on any mail sent!  Speaking of which, contributions are backed up to Issue
20 (fearing for the sanity of our viewers, we dare not release more then
10k of text at a time), so don't worry if they aren't carried instantly.  
And Emily?  Happy Birthday!  We now return you to regular programming.

[-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-]

As a computer consultant, I am pleased to finally have simple explanations
to typical New User Questions.  The sad thing is, most of them will believe
me...

SIMPLE GLOSSARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

DISK-SPACE: in the back of your computer is a small plastic pouch that fills
with air whenever you turn your machine on.  Anything you type on the screen is
pumped into the plastic envelope.  If you type too much, the envelope bursts
open and oxygenates your hard drive.

MEMORY: two small antennae are wedged somewhere inside your keyboard.  These
antennae constantly sift obscure bandwidths until they establish a connection
with a post office (a different post office is designated each day by the
Internet to ensure security).  There are two kinds of memory: virtual memory
and magnetic memory.  Virtual memory refers to numbers in your hard-drive that
aren't really there at all.  Magnetic memory refers to the spools of chromium-
oxide tape that store phone numbers.

RAM: an acronym for "Regulated Automatic Mediator."  This is a device, shaped
somewhat like a tuning fork, that helps align a computer's internal gyroscopes.

DISK-DRIVE: This is a small capsule that emits ultrasound.  The
resultant harmonics within the hard-drive help create a tolerable atmosphere
for the alphanumerics floating inside the memory.

MODEM: a modem is a gelatin-based protein derivative that fuels the hard-drive.
It can be purchased via Home Shopping Network and injected directly into the
machine through its air vents.

INTERNET: an AM radio station that computers tune into every Thursday morning
at 9:00 AM, Eastern Time, to re-establish the harmonic flexibility of their
CPUs.  Humans can, of course, listen to the Internet as well, but all that can
be heard is a shrill, whining noise.

E-MAIL: a piece of mail that becomes saturated by modem fluid.  The United
States Postal Service, refusing to handle such contaminated packages, insists
that they be exposed to electric current and left to their own devices.  The
presence of an ambient electrical field causes pieces of e-mail to levitate.
They sometimes uplink with the Internet and drift north.  For this reason, it
is believed that the Internet broadcast tower is located somewhere in Canada or
Greenland.

DOWNLOAD: the act of deleting a large number of active files by exposing them
to concentrated Internet rays.  This process can only be carried out with
official authorization, and presents severe hazards to household electrical
systems.

TELNET: large conceptual sculpture constructed in Europe and since incorporated
into a traveling exhibit.  The Telnet emits a low-frequency electromagnetic
field that polarizes all CPUs in its vicinity, resulting in intense binary
activity.

GOPHERSPACE: disease-ridden software underworld in Toronto.

SEARCH-ENGINE: a gasoline-powered hard drive that separates numbers through the
application of centrifugal force.  These can be purchased through black-market
dealers stationed in Gopherspace.

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Bill slides down the heap some.
===============================
William Gates is no longer the richest man in America.  He has been
passed up by Warren Buffett, multi-mega-gazillionaire, who makes his
tax-related home in Omaha, Nebraska.  Mr. Buffett earned his money the
old-fashioned way, speculating in the stock market.  (Though by all
accounts, he's really a nice guy.)  Wonder what kind of computer he owns.

'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'

If only Bill had subscribed to JINX, he wouldn't be so down on his luck...
we can learn so much from the words of others.  You listening Bill?

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life."
        -Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
U.S. anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
        -Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
        -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
        -Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
        -Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.

"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
        -Chicago Rotary Club journal.

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
underpolluted."
        -Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining
why it makes sense to export toxic wastes to developing countries.

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Gettin' younger all the time.
=============================
In licensing news, Apple has licensed the Apple logo and "Apple for Kids"
moniker to a company called Toy Biz, which will produce "electronic
learning aids to introduce the Apple experience" to the pre-school set.
So now when you can't figure out how to get your Wintel computer working,
your toddler can say, "Been der, done dat, Macintoth."

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

                                  BAD SIGNS
    ++The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.++

   At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
   container.

   On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same
   spot.

   On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted
   unless with child.

   In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy

   In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your
   home.

   In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

   In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

   In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!

   On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the
   Episcopal Church.

   On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in
   multi-packs!

   In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

   On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

   On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most
   people 15 to 19.

   In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end

   In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.

   In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters.

   On a movie marquee: Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of
   thousands!

   On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

   In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the
   public stops taking it away.

   On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is
   impassable.

   In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave
   please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

   And apparently, somewhere in England, in an open field otherwise
   untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw
   stones at this sign!"