Joseph # # ### ### ###
Information ## # # # March 4th
Network ## # # # 1 9 9 6
Xmit # # ### ### ###
Although we at JINX try and be as politically correct as possible, we felt
the following seminars would help everyone understand the opposite sex.
All male classes are prepared and presented by females and vice versa.
SEMINARS FOR MALES
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an !@#$ when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try
19. I'll wear it if I damn well please
20. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
21. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
22. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are baloney
23. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
24. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
25. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
26. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
27. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
28. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
29. You too can be a designated driver
30. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson,
especially when naked!")
31. Changing your underwear -- It really works
32. Techniques for calling home
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
1. "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes"
2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and law enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR
6. You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
7. Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since
Puberty - Deal With It)
10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments
23. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
24. What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
25. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
26. Commitment Schmitment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
27. "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do"
28. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
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"I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up
in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not!
But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!" -- Monty Python
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A South African expedition will attempt to climb Mount Everest later this
year. This will be the first time a South African team has attempted to
scale the world's highest peak.
Apple South Africa is to provide the expedition with computer facilities
for communications to and from the mountain. The base camp will be
established at 5,500m (18,000 feet), where Apple will sponsor a Media Tent
to house a Power Macintosh 8500, equipped with an Inmarsat uplink. This
machine will be used to transmit reports, photography and video to the
international press, via the satellite and ultimately, the Internet. A
World Wide Web site has already been established (www.everest.co.za) as a
report-back on the expedition's progress. The site will publish
interactive virtual reality scenes from Mt Everest, using Apple's own
QuickTime VR software.
Further up the mountain at Camp 2 (6,700m = 22,000 feet), a PowerBook
5300ce will be in place to enable the team to download raw digital
photographs and video footage. Initially, there was a concern that the
hard disks and screen of the computers might fail at altitude, as no data
was available on long-term reliability above 4,500m (10,000 feet).
"We made history last weekend by flying to 22,150 feet in an unpressurised
cabin to test the PowerBooks in as close to real conditions as possible.
From behind an oxygen mask, Brian Seligmann, Apple Product Marketing
Manager, ran a number of diagnostic tests and tested for read-write errors.
The PowerBooks passed with flying colours."
HOORAY FOR POWERBOOK!!
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Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1.
Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
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...you know, many important theological questions are answered if we
think of God as a Computer Programmer:
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all
those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he
logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until
tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars.
On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he
actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him.
God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the
system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching
those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God
will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact
duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the
users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and
now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off
his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the
one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.
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