Joseph # # ### ###
Information ## # # February 28th
Network ## # # 1 9 9 6
Xmit # # ### ###
We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French
philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office
sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but
with food. Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to
write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever."
The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.
October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually
eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin
work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.
October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep
creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea,
but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet
that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste
like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back.
Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux
suggested paprika.
October 6
I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is
bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and
four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but
my journey is still long.
October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional
dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today
I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven
and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls,
do not turn on the light.
While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its
inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize
that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am
becoming more and more frustrated.
October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook.
Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the
plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing
the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food
groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from
the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit
anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two
eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a
start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.
November 15
Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live
beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very
pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for
dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet,
and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
November 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had
hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty
Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling
blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more
than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only
got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty
lawsuit.
December 1
I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now
experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and
ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but
seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes
and black coffee.
=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=
Pass the MEAT: By the time an Average American reaches 70, he'll have
eaten 880 chickens, 14 beef cattle, 23 hogs, 35 turkeys, 12 sheep, 770
pounds of fish, and a breathmint. (Source: MacMillan Book of Facts)
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JIFFY Launched -- JINX your FAX Machine
Lund, February 28 -- In a delightfully unprecedented move, JINX is now
available by *fax* to over a thousand cities around the globe. Sources
indicate the discovery is quite legal. JINX founder Joseph McLean declined
to comment, choosing only to whisper "The internet... the internet is our
salvation..." before disappearing into a board meeting. Coverage includes
Vancouver, Calgary, Winnipeg, Toronto, Montreal, Australia, Athens, most of
the US, the entire UK (including those lovable Irish), and Lund, Sweden!!
In between vile curses, a spokesman for BC Tel verified that neither sender
nor recipient will pay long distance fees. For a complete list of area
codes covered by this method of "remote printing", send a blank message to
<tpccover@info.tpc.int>. If you or a person you love lives in a land
listed therein, they no longer have to get the net to get the JINX!
To subscribe in this manner, send your phone number (including country and
area code) to <jinx@thecentre.com> *or* FAX to +1-604-485-7751 with
"attention: sir joseph." Include on your message, "Joseph Information Fast
Facsimile YES!".
Admittedly, *you* can fax the world too. Post a FAQ request as shown:
To: fax-faq-request@northcoast.com / Subject: archive / Body: send fax-faq
Just don't forget who told you. And stay tuned for more updates from the
division of High Innovation, Joseph Information Network Xmit (HIJINX).
Barriers will fall...
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THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS
IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed
with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit
in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this
weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off
a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu
going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah
(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
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SATAN IN OUR MIDST: A JINX INFORMATION UPDATE.
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays
he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third.
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and
adding that 3, we arrive upon the following equation:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
III 3
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666 !!!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Luck? Or
just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
And, to be released in a very few months...
W I N D O W S 9 6
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+54 = 666
Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
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