Joseph ### # #
Information # ## February 8th
Network # ## 1 9 9 6
Xmit ### # #
I'd better be the first to break the news... remember, the sacrifice is made for
the good of your company.
TO ALL EMPLOYEES
TOILET POLICY
In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under
informal guidelines.
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a
more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time,
thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.
Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each
employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty
toilet trip credits. These credits may be accumulated!
Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped
with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer
linked with voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of
his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel
department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but
not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees
should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning
period.
If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the
toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next
month.
In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll
retractors.
If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm
sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will
flush and the toilet door will open.
If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture
appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant
dismissal.
If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your
personnel officer.
--Gone But Never Forgotten---------------------------------------------------
Robert Hess, one of the world's finest reporters, recently passed away. Twas
Robert who said, of the pointing device used by IBM's ThinkPad notebooks:
"It always makes me feel like I'm manipulating someone's nipple." What a man.
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WARNING! Reading the following poem may result in extreme nausia and
dizziness by peoples reliant on Microsoft Products or allergic to the happy
macintosh syndrome. This spans four pages and constitutes an *overdose*.
If at any time you feel weak, DO NOT CONTINUE.
THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES By Casey Gorsuch
(part four in an issue-spanning, vaguely Dr. Suessish brand of poetry)
"I've got the new Windows!" my friend squealed with glee.
"The computing future! -Things you've got to see!"
"Such flashy and splashy new features galore!
Like plug & play, trashbins, and shortcuts, and more!"
"But the best thing," he says, as he quite proudly smiles,
"Is more than 8 letters... to name all my files!!!"
My friend was so happy, he was almost in tears.
(Even though these were features my Mac had for years.)
But- just to be fair, I decided I'd try it,
there MUST be some reason why millions would buy it
So...
So how 'bout that fancy new 'Plug -n- Play' feature?
...it should come with it's very own Plug/Play teacher!
Installing most things will STILL drive you bezerk!
(Good luck getting some of your old stuff to work.)
Is it easy as Macs? Why, NO! Not at all!
On the Mac it is EASY! You just click 'INSTALL'!
Are lengthy-long filenames too good to be true?
They are! -if your programs aren't brand spanking new.
Most applications that you used before,
still use 8 letters! (no slight keystroke more.)
But Macs, on the other hand, work so much better
no matter how old, you can use MANY letters!
Name all your files whatever you choose
You're not limited by what programs you use.
Have just eight megabytes? -You'll need 16!
For it to run smoothly on your machine.
I've found that with eight it's incredibly slow,
So order those upgrades and shell out that dough!
Another 'new' thing of this "Big Revolution"
...is the solution
to data pollution!
- -Just what is this thing that's so brilliantly 'new',
and what great new things could it possibly do?
..It's an honest to goodness recycling bin!
You can take files out, and throw more files in!
I thought, Deja Vu! - I have seen this before!-
My Mac's had a trash bin a decade or more!
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* FLASH * FLASH * FLASH * FLASH * FLASH * FLASH * FLASH * FLASH * FLASH *
We interrupt this poem for a JINX news flash: The Telecommunications Reform
Bill has been passed by both houses of the american congress. This bill
places major cyberpower in the hands of the government, and poses a serious
threat to the civil liberties of america's netizens. Links to the revolt
sparked by this announcement are at <www.hotwired.com/special/indecent/>.
JINX: All the information that's fit to transmit (and then some)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next little question I thought of then was,
"Will it run your old programs that 3.1 does?"
"I think..." said my friend, with a nervous expression,
"But I'm not quite sure-" was his worried confession.
Well...
Microsoft even admits that it won't,
knowing some programs work, and some sort of... don't.
So they made up a list, (and they checked it out twice)
Read it yourself, would be my own advice.
You'll know what'll work, the first time you begin,
and what apps' to trash in the 'Recycle Bin'!!!
Who knows where the cost of these old programs went,
it appears to be money that wasn't well spent.
-But-
with the new Windows, it's really OK!
...it's easier than ever to throw them AWAY!
Of course on the Mac it's a whole 'nother story.
My old Mac stuff works, so I don't have to worry.
Not only that, but Windows Apps. do!
with the Soft Windows program, my Mac runs them too!
How 'bout their help line? -They say that it's free.
...Until you are billed from your phone company!
It's still a toll call! - So try the Postmaster.
(Send 'em a postcard, it's cheaper and faster!)
The Mac's own support line is totally free.
For the life of your Apple there's no phone toll fee.
"WHAT!?" Windows users may gasp and may choke,
"How can they do that without going broke!!?"
'cuz Apple knows something...(they're really quite clever!)
the Mac's so near flawless most folks won't call ever!
That is not all. There's one more invention
that I most certainly still need to mention!
The most touted feature- the big main attraction!
The latest!
The greatest!
... It's 'pure satisfaction!'
It's on the commercials, it's in all the ads!
It's the trendiest item of computer fads!
They're sure this new feature will steal your heart!
...It's just a small button that clearly reads, 'START'.
"Just look!"
"It's amazing!
Spectacular too!"
"Who knows what great things it could possibly do!"
..So I clicked it, and then up came menus galore
for programs and files and quite a bit more.
I thought once again, "I have seen this before!"
"Since the year nineteen hundred and eighty and four!"
The Mac's Apple Menu has done this for ages!
This button's not new! This whole thing's outrageous!
The Mac's Apple Menu is easier too,
to change it to do what you want it to do.
It appears that they 'borrowed' this thing from the Mac...
and I've got a feeling they won't give it back.
so, is this a story of rags to great riches?
A cute fairy tale without any hitches?
Or does it show more that they want to expose...
like a peek through the Emperor's pricey new clothes?
~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-+-_-~-
b o z o f i l t e r e d t h i s w e e k :
"3 Boys Accused of a Bomb Plot Using Internet"
- front page headline, The New York Times, 2 February 1996
"I know that nuclear weaponry may cause fear. But in an always
dangerous world, it acts for us as... a weapon in the service of peace."
- Jacques Chirac, president of France (page 23, small print, same paper) |
