Joseph # # ### ### ###
Information # # # # # February 3rd
Network # # # # # 1 9 9 6
Xmit # ### ### ###
JINX Alert: Forget the 'good times' virus, there's a bunch of real killers on
the lose now. <shudder> Computer Viruses you should be aware of:
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process
without joining a binary network.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will trash 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus 3.5 percent margin of
error).
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't!" whenever you choose "Abort"
from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with
a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
(the above was prefabricated nonsense; this is hilariously serious)
WIN95 VIRUS: According to a recent issue of PC WEEK, Windows 95 has a
certain loophole that allows viruses to be copied to computers undetected.
The files must begin with the ASCII character 229. Let's see, Windows 95
has been out for what, five months now? And we're still finding these gems?
#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#
Settle down boys and girls, it's time for our weekly jolt of Dr. Seuss...
**Dr. Seuss, The Next Generation**
(With Thanks to Bettie Barnes)
Picard
Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge
But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard
Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker
But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard
But surely we must not be late!
Troi
I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer
Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard
The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker
Not me.
Worf
Not me.
Picard
Computer, how long til we die?
Computer
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data
May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi
Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard
Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi
We still must save the Indran planet --
Data
Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard
Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi
There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker
We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi
We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf
Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi
Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher
Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard
Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher
They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf
The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard
Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf
I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker
My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher
Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard
LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi
Yes, sir, we can.
Picard
Then make it so!
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Ah, but why wait another generation? Technology is changing our lives
*now*. Remember Highway 17, the infamous route from Santa Cruz to Silicon
Valley? Well, it just isn't safe anymore...
***Highway 17 Hall of Shame***
The chap who runs this site takes his Apple QuickTake camera with him on
his Highway 17 commute every morning. He takes pictures of the worst drivers,
and then posts the "jerque du jour" with a description of the clever trick
that won them the title.
http://www.got.net/~egallant/theroad.html
And perhaps even more breathtaking:
+ One of the first full-featured language translators is
### + Jinx now available at <http://www.globalink.com/>. We're
# + Technology not talking individual words here, we're talking
# # + Review complete language decoding... The first version
### + wouldn't survive a moment in a French restaurant, but
+ it's a damn good try (for a 1.0!) and from where I
+ stand I can see the walls of Babel crumbling...
> ORIGINAL MESSAGE:
> Je parle un peu de francais aussi. Je pense que vous dittez que le
> "752"
>
> sont les disquettes d'installation pour MacOS 7.5.2? n'est-ce pas?
>
> Est-ce que vous avez une "PCI PowerMac?" ou un "PowerBook 5300?"
<poof!>
> TRANSLATED MESSAGE:
> I speak a little French. I think that you dittez that him "752"
> are the disks of installation for MacOS 7. 5. 2? is this step not? Do
> you have a "PCI PowerMac? " or a "PowerBook 5300? "
{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}{*}
The origional idea was, of course, Ren & Stimpys. Who could forget Log?
ANNOUNCER: Parlez vous Francais? Non? Then you the all-new International Log.
Just pull its twig and you'll turn your Log into a talking tree fluent in five
foreign toungs! Yes, all nations love Log. So hurry into your local store and
be the first in your contry to have the International Log!
SINGERS: What rolls down stairs,
Alone or in pairs,
Rolls over your neigbors dog...
What's great for a snack,
And fits on your back?
It's Log Log Log!!
It's Log, it's Log,
It's big, it's heavy, it's wood
it's Log, it's Log,
It's better then bad it's GOOD!
===========> JINX Update: Vetoing the Bill <=============
In his weekly column this past week, Bill Gates was reduced to denying
that his 1981 statement that "640k of memory should be enough for
anybody," came from him. He called it "that silly quotation," but took
space in his column to answer a question about it as a "question of
general interest." To whom? Mr. Gates, the world doesn't revolve around
you. We don't read your column to see you talk about stupid things like
this (well, actually *we* do...). Please, tell us something interesting.
You, too, can ask Bill to put a sock in it at <askbill@microsoft.com>. |
