-------------------------------------------------
-The*Joseph*Information*Network*Xmit*Volume*Five-
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When they say:
[Take a deep breath and say it fast]
"A 166-Mhz PowerPC 604e, armed with both the 604's speculative execution
and branch prediction logic, and the improved load/store instruction
performance, should endow a desktop system with processing power beyond
that of any system based on Intel's new P6." (Byte Magazine)
They mean:
"Look, 'Intel' is less then *half* of 'Intelligent'..."
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This just in: The vast majority of MS Windowing teens drink Coke. However, an
equal majority of teens who use Macintoshes choose Pepsi!!!
Why? As usual, no one really has a clue. Perhaps because both Coke and
Microsoft use the same "50s-style" nostalgia advertisements, and rely
on conformity to sell their products, they attract the same flock... Besides,
long time Apple CEO John Sculley *ran* Pepsico from 1977 to 1980! The
recruitment went something like this: "Are you going to spend your life
selling sugar water or are you going to change the world?" (Steve Jobs,
founder) ...what could Sculley say? After much deliberation he decided that
changing the world would be more fun. And went on to invent the PowerBook. Joy!
[editorial bias alert: for your information, Joseph enjoys the occasional Pepsi
and is, at this very moment, using a PowerBook 165c]
Wherever you learn, there's a PowerBook... "Case Western Medical School has
moved to requiring Apple PowerBooks for each of its 600 medical students.
Currently each hard drive contains the entire syllabus and--" <click>
"The Executive MBA Program at UCLA has standardized on the PowerBook
platform for their students. The PowerBooks are built into the tuition of the
program, and are distributed to the students approximately--" <click>
"PowerBooks have been the exclusive educational computer at Harvards for 4
years now, says--" <click> "American Ballet Theatre's production
department is run on PowerBooks. Was only a matter of time before the dancers
began to want 'books of their own, and as--"
PowerBooks are the number one computer of choice for writers everywhere.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The following is a bonda-fide Apple PR release, aimed at coaxing new users into
the proverbial pool of cyberspace. I condensed the boring parts, what remains
is downright silly.... a bit too many Christmas spirits in Cupertino, no doubt.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Email is NOT Faceless Apple Internet PR Kit Part 23
CUPERTINO, California--December 14, 1995--Surfing the Internet is perceived as
the "in thing." But it is also increasingly becoming popular for
communicating via e-mail. Contrary to the belief that e-mail is a faceless,
uninspiring way to communicate, those in-the-know are adopting symbols known as
"smilies" whereby the sender can convey nuances beyond words to the
recipient. For example:
:-).....Sender is happy, and conversely :-(.....Sender is miserable
There is enormous scope for improvisation that allows the sender to convey an
almost limitless amount of useful information. Apple suggests the following for
starters:
2:-o.....Sender has an Elvis "do" and is simultaneously surprised :-s
......Sender has had too much Christmas cheer d:-).....Sender is wearing a silly
baseball hat
Rumor has it Santa and his elves are using a Power Macintosh 9500 with the Apple
Internet Connection Kit to surf the `net and stay in touch with children all
over the world. <http://www.santaclaus.com>
Speaking from his multimedia authoring studio in the North Pole, Santa Claus
says that he needs to be on the cutting edge of technology. The Internet is a
great opportunity for him and the elves to keep in touch with all the children
of the world. The elves have been hard at work getting Santa's Internet
presence up and running. Santa and the elves now have the Internet coverage to
respond to children's requests this Christmas.
Apple hopes that many users will be following Santa Claus' example this
Christmas and choose the fastest and simplest way of getting started on the
Internet -- with a Macintosh!
Apple, the Apple logo, Macintosh, and Power Macintosh are registered trademarks
of Apple Computer, Inc. All other brand names mentioned are trademarks or
registered trademarks of their respective holders, and are hereby acknowledged.
-30-
END
Well! You'd never find MICROSOFT writing PR like that... and I ask you, *who*
is the happier company? d:)
/////////<>\\\\\\\\\
...and now, at the moment when this nation's Santa craze is reaching it's
chechendo, JINX dares to take it all one step further.
**Santa Restructures**
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the French;
- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from
now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some
new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no
longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Rain or shine, sleet or sun... there's *always* time for one more Bill joke.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Bill at the Gates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter meets him there and says, "Well, you've led an...
interesting life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, we're not quite
sure which place to send you. So we're going to let you decide."
Gates swallows nervously and says, "Okay". St. Peter snaps his
fingers and they are instantly transported to a sunny beach.
There's beer and rock music and topless women playing volleyball.
Gates says, "Hey, is this heaven? It's GREAT!" St. Peter says,
"No, this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is like." He snaps
his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a serene
city park. There's a soft breeze and birds are chirping and old
people are sitting on benches feeding pigeons and playing chess.
Gates says,"Well, this is... nice. But, given a choice, I guess
I'll take Hell."
St. Peter says, "You got it," and snaps his fingers. Gates is
instantly imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off
in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter
and the screams of the damned.
He looks up and shouts, "Hey, it wasn't like this! Where's the beach?
Where's the babes?"
Saint Peter looks down from his Sun workstation and says, "Sorry,
Bill. That was the demo."
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Festive contributions this week from:
<Kawasaki@eworld.com><stellar@nanaimo.ark.com><duncan_mclean@mindlink.bc.ca>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~JINX!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JINX's fifth issue was originally broadcast December 22nd 1995,
reaching about 11 people around the globe.
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