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*The Joseph Information Network Xmit - Volume Four*
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From: daveyip@acs.bu.edu
I'm at WebINNOVATION where Netscape Communications gave a demo of Gold.
First, Win95 had a fatal error in the middle of the demo, there was an
eerie silence as it had to be rebooted, broken only by distant screams of
"Get a Mac!". Second, the demo of Pagemill and Sitemill was way better in
reaction from the audience than the demo of Gold and WebMagic Pro. There
is still hope after all.
...anyway, isn't it about time Microsoft changed businesses? Why, I can
just imagine...
//The Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars\\
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that
year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a
new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to
restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought
a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as
reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
6. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a
single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for
years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
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But enough about *them*. On now to the final musical addition of...
WHAT'S IN A (BAND) NAME, PART THE THIRD
Kraftwerk - German for "power station".
Lemonheads, The - Originally called the Whelps, it was a high-school friend
who suggested the band call itself the Lemonheads (after a popular
Midwestern candy). "It seemed to bite, 'cause Lemonheads are sweet on the
outside and sour in the inside", says Dando. "We definitely helped them sell
an extra few boxes. I know, because kids buy them and throw 'em at us"
Level 42 - From the fact that 42 is given as "the ultimate answer to the
ultimate question of life, the universe and everything" in Douglas Adams'
book HitchHiker's Guide To the Galaxy.
New Order - Signified "fresh start" for Joy Division after death of their
old singer Ian Curtis.
Pet Shop Boys - "we had some friends who owned a pet shop and they were
always joked about calling themselves The Pet Shop Boys and recording
'How much is that Doggie in The Window'. When it came time for us to
find a name we decided to use it." - Neil Tennant
Simple Minds - from a line in the David Bowie song 'Jean Genie'.
The Smiths - Morrissey just came up with it, and Johnny Marr approved: "All
other bands at the time had 15-syllable names...We just wanted four
individuals who could be collectively known as something normal."
Talking Heads - TV jargon for onscreen speakers.
The explanation they gave was that a talking head was simply someone
talking with no accompanying visual element. The point being that as such
it was reputedly the most BORING form of television possible as a result.
The Tragically Hip - The name, The Tragically Hip, was taken from a
Michael Nesmith video called "Elephant Parts." The video contained a clip
asking for contributions to The Foundation for The Tragically Hip -- poor,
afflicted people in need of jacuzzis, Lamborghinis and cocaine.
Ultravox - latin for 'many voices'
U2 - Formerly The Hype. Adam Clayton liked XTC's name, and a friend suggested
U2 as being along the same lines. The U2 was also a US spy plane...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
And we leave the final word to James A. Gardner@mace.cc.purdue.edu
[who once played in a band called the Radio Doctors, named after
a hi-fi repair shop]
"Did you know that there was a rash of bands in the U.S. during
the late 1970s-early 1980s with monster-movie-related names,
like Mars Needs Women, Destroy All Monsters, and (I believe)
Planets Against Us? Also, one of my favorite band names came out
of this period, from a tabloid headline: Hornets Attack Victor Mature!"
Sums it all up doesn't it ?
---{}---
Now, with the [digitally remastered] beat still loud in our minds, let's
swing right into...
>>DIGITAL FACTS<<
(Compact Disc Information You Really Didn't Want to Know)
The majority of digital quality (recorded direct to CD) albums are...
Rap. 63% of the digital industry in fact. Gack. Alternative & Rock
peoples still record mainly (76%) on analog tape, then burn it to CD.
According to a survey done by RealWorld Studios, the average CD is
listened to two and a quarter times!! No one really knows why (the
average outdated tape stacks up at 43 times), although it has something
to do with our track-skipping culture...
CDs are still 35% more expensive then tapes, but cost half as much to
produce. The Windows95 CDROM costs Microsoft a whopping 35 cents
apiece...
Since the release of the CD, three newer, better technologies have been
released (DAT+, DCC, and MiniDisc). None of these skip, all are
recordable and smaller. They've all been more or less blockaded by the
CD industry, who's rather content with the way things are shaping out.
Some forlorn scientist found a way to make a bloody RECORD PLAYER play
digitalised records several years ago and was summarily excuted. Well,
not quite, but the world never heard from him again.....
---[]---
How depressing. Ah well, here's a wonderful Christmas fairly tale to cheer
us all up!
::::The Gingrich Who Stole Christmas (and just about everthing else...)::::
Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!
He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!
The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.
He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!
He hated the way they had no jobs at all!
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"
Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he was built like a weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
But probably what most explained the man's life
Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.
Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"
He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal!
And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray!"
The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.
Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks love!
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!
He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
"Boy!" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"
They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!
The next day the Gingrinch sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.
He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.
The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!
Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"
And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.
They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay!
And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight:
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.
"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...
And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.
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Winning contributions this week from: <brian@asl3.asl-labs.bc.ca>
<Kawasaki@eworld.com><byng@thecentre.com><stellar@nanaimo.ark.com>
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JINX's fourth issue was originally broadcast December 15th 1995,
reaching about 9 people around the globe.
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